For a long time I had this urge to write about our dear brother Mohammed Sideek whom we affectionately called Nana or Dr. Colored Water! If I do not write it down now, the story of his Subud experience that he shared with me may be lost forever.
Sideek was given the name Rusli by Bapak. Many Muslims in Sri Lanka to this day are addressed as Nana. Dr. Colored Water amazingly had a deep faith and trust in the goodness of Almighty God, Bapak and his brothers and sisters in Subud. I honestly believe that if Bapak had asked him to climb the roof and take a jump, he would have done it, but on the way down he would have asked Bapak, "Will I break my legs?" Many people in our Subud community went to him (both men and women) with their personal problems, and he always consoled them and had a ready answer. "Trust in God and have faith in His boundless mercy." He truly believed in this and many people misunderstood him in the early years, and the name Dr. Colored Water was tagged on. He did not resent it and he helped many a Subud brother and sister who were in a bad way in their outer life. The left hand never knew what the right hand did. People shared with him things they would share with no other. In this sense he was a true Helper in Subud.
He came from an affluent Muslim family. When I was a schoolboy the name "Wahid" was a household name and his father was the largest printer and producer of school books in Sri Lanka. He inherited his father's business and was among the first from the Muslim community to join Subud. He was at home with it, right from the start. Though he was a small built man and frail looking, he never lacked courage. Through him many Muslims came to Subud and were opened. During Bapak's first visit to Sri Lanka he asked Bapak, "Where is God?" Bapak replied by not looking at him directly - he simply called out loud, "Sideek!" Then looking in another direction, Bapak called out, "Sideek." And the third time Bapak called out his name, Sideek desperately replied, "Bapak I am here," and raised his hand. Bapak said, "Ya, ya," and explained that God is everywhere and close at hand though we cannot see, It took us a long while to understand the reality of this - that the power of God was always close at hand and we cannot run away from it nor hide from it.
What is called the 30 year war started in Ernest in the early nineteen eighties and no Sri Lankan living in the Island or abroad were totally free of its effects. My own brother escaped death more than once, and two young relatives were seriously injured by a bomb blast that took the life of many innocent people. The uncertainty of life was real and many Sri Lankans never came home even for a visit. I know of one couple who were coming from Australia to visit their parents and when the bombs went off they spent there Holiday in Singapore and Malaysia and returned to Australia.
In the midst of all this Rusli Sideek used to say that this war will end suddenly, and there will be peace in the country again. Most people who heard this took it in good humor and even made a joke of it. Rusli took it all, but maintained his belief that the war would end suddenly. In the early nineties I asked Rusli for the reason of his belief about the war. His answer was that he received it in his Latihan. Even foreign experts from the West or Eastern guru's, would never predict such an end. Even his own son told him that they will have to separate the country with a wall to end the war ! This was the belief of most people living here and abroad.
It was around the time I saw Rusli for the last time that I told him that I too had received something out of the ordinary. It was I should return to the country of my birth. Events that followed showed me that this guidance was correct. This indicated a major change in my life again. However I tested with a couple of other helpers before the final decision was made and it showed that the receiving was correct. When I told him that I was planing to return on retirement. He was very happy and remembered what he had told my Mother more than twenty years ago. In 1996 when I met him for the last time we talked about our children, and knowing the importance of the male line in spiritual matters, I asked him about his son. His reply is the 3rd prediction. My son already receives the latihan though he is not officially opened and he will find his way to Subud. Do not worry about it.
His Son became a Subud member long after his father passed away an is an active member today. The war had a quick and surprising end.That should make Rusli more than content wherever he is at the present time, may he find peace.
In 1996 when I met Rusli for the last time, he recalled this incident, and said, "How blind we were in those days!" In the article, "Year of Grace" I wrote about the time he drove Bapak safely on a trip to the mountains in a car he had never driven before, and because of his stature could hardly see through the windscreen. This incident really encouraged him to drive around town and he even drove himself to Latihan in the night. He had night blindness and as he walked around the Subud house in the night he banged into chairs and other objects! Not lacking courage, he was one of the first to ask Bapak advice about the right kind of work for him. Bapak told him that farming would be the right work for him. This had far-reaching consequences in his life as he may have never planted a tree, however I came from family that had paddy fields, raised animals and even had a very successful chicken farm at this time period. He now had to dismantle the printing press and a business operation and deal with workmen who had worked for his family for generations. So he took a lot of advice from me.
Sideek and his family and many members of his extended family lived on 5th Lane Colombo - 3, and many years ago my grandfather, who was a well known lawyer, lived and owned a house on the same street. My father and grandmother lived in the same house until my father married. So our families knew each other in the past. After a while I became a regular visitor at his house, and he visited our home often. He had great admiration for my father and chatted with him for hours. Even when I was away in the United States he often came home to visit with my father. I really do not know what made us become so close. He was at least 14 years older than me, and yet I never felt this age gap. One day right after Bapak's first visit, Sideek who had been away from his home returned to find my mother and Mrs. Sideek weeping, holding each other, and my mother would say, "I have lost my son," and Mrs. Sideek would say, "I have lost my husband." May Almighty God forgive us for the pain we caused these two good women. When it came to Subud in the early days, there was no compromise, the latihan came before everything. Ickshan Ahmed used to say, 'Before God Nothing," and we took him at his word and applied this outwardly too. I wish we knew what we learned later; we could have avoided many a mistake.
By 1960 Sideek had a real dilemma. He wanted to follow Bapak's advice and start farming. To do this end, he had to sell the family business and all of his relatives opposed it. yes, Subud was to blame. For many years we drove around in his Humber Hawk looking for suitable land, and finally after he had wound up his printing business, he bought this neglected piece of property in the suburbs of Colombo. It was a few acres and ideally suited for his situation. Having no farming experience, he installed a caretaker and stocked it with all kinds of farm animals and chicken which provided food for the family. In the late seventies the government of Sri Lanka moved its capital to this area and he became a wealthy land owner, as land prices skyrocketed. His relatives now looked at him with different eyes.
Again around 1960/ 1961, Rusli had a very unusual Subud experience. It was the habit those days for most single men and some married men to hang around the Subud house after latihan - sometimes we broke up pretty late. On one of these days, when Sideek left the Subud House he said he felt the presence of someone in the car when he drove back home. He parked the car and as was his normal habit entered his home and sat down on a chair in the guest room. Normally he did a short latihan before he entered the main house. As he was relaxing, he saw before him the young man who used to drive him and his brother to school. Sideek said he completely blanked out, being glad to see his childhood buddy after so many years. He greeted him in the Muslim fashion and asked him to sit down. The figure stood near the door with a blank look. Then it hit him right between the eyes, this young man had died in a car accident while Sideek was still in school! He said he felt no fear, yet got a little anxious and the figure melted away. Sideek wrote to Bapak about this incident, and Bapak replied and advised him to open this person if he returned again. Sideek never saw him again.
In the next few years I worked at the old International Airport and often worked the night shift. So I was off in the day and spent many hours with Rusli just shooting the breeze, or looking for property with Sideek, or visiting other Subud members. Sideek would welcome these visits as he was going through a very difficult time in his life, with litigation and other personal problems. By now we had moved to the Subud House at Frankfort Place. On this particular Sunday we had lunch at the Subud house, then we broke up and headed home. I went south on my motorcycle and Sideek drove home in his car. As I was about to leave the City of Colombo, I had a strong urge to see Sideek ? I did an U turn and headed north.
As I came to his home there was a black Police van parked near his house with a few Police officers. When he saw me he said, "Robert, can you come with me, I've been waiting for you." I said, "Sure," though I had a burning question. We went to the police station and he was questioned for hours, I took a message from him to a Subud brother, who helped him out. It turned out that a man whom Sideek had done a business deal with before he joined Subud had given the police false information, hoping to get out of a difficult situation. We got back home before nightfall and finally I asked Sideek, "How did you know I was coming?" He said, "I just received it."
Sideek, and many Subud members who visited him, would sit in the front Verandah of his house. One day when we were seated there, Sideek was a much troubled man, and he said, "Robert, I do not understand about this whole business of right and wrong, sin and what is not sin. In our society if we had more than one wife it is a item of gossip and illegal , but in another country it would be accepted. If I knew someone is going to kill me, I would not hesitate to kill him." It was all philosophical, yet it raised a question. We got quiet and felt the Latihan, his eyes lit up and as he was about to say something I held up my hand and said, "Sideek, there is only one thing we should worry about. Since we are absolutely sure this Latihan comes from the power of God and then to refuse it, there is no greater sin" Sideek nearly fell off his chair, as he was going to say the same thing. It was amazing - we were on the same wavelength.
In the mid-sixties I went to Canada on a scholarship and towards the end of my stay in Ottawa I developed a skin rash that even penicillin had no effect. I was very depressed and I received a letter from Sideek saying, "Whatever your problem, it will be over soon." Sure enough the doctors finally found I had a simple case of severe dry skin and with proper care life was good again. Later, on my return, Sideek explained that one day when he was doing the Latihan he became aware of my presence and my condition. He had tested further, and then written to me.
While I was in Canada, I was very frugal and saved all of the money I could to buy a car. At this time Sri Lanka was going through serious financial problems and foreign travel had come to a halt for Sri Lankans, and no foreign exchange was given to people traveling overseas. The only way you could travel was if someone sent you an Air Ticket from abroad, and even then you were allowed only Pounds ten and shillings ten, as travel expenses! Sideek wrote to me and asked if I could buy him a ticket to Jakarta. I knew what this meant for him. Going to Cilandak was like going to Mecca. So I bought him a ticket and gave him some of the money I had saved. Sideek visited Cilandak and Bapak and I returned from Canada about the same time. As I write this, I realize how our lives inter - mingled, I hope my readers will understand.
One day we were seated at the usual place in the Verandah of his home, and we were very quiet and feeling the latihan. In my second year in Subud I had an extraordinary OBE experience. When I shared this with the Subud brother who brought me to Subud he dismissed it and said I was going through a crisis. I shut down like a clam. But now times had changed, Sideek and I shared the most intimate things in our lives. So I started to say, "Sideek, I have not shared this with you." He held up his hand and said, "Yes, I heard about it, but I would like to share this with you first." While he was in and Cilandak, right after latihan an still lying on the floor, he saw his body on the floor and then as he was free to move, he moved out of the latihan hall. Outside he noticed that there were more stars in the sky than ever before. He said that he just felt like visiting home and before he knew it he was in his house, and observed his wife preparing tea. Playfully he touched her, and she got a shock and spilled some of the tea. He said the next thing he remembered was that he was back in Cilandak in the latihan hall. The next day he talked about his experience with Bapak and was told he had received a gift and that if it happened again, he should not wander around as he might not be able to get back. As we compared notes, we found I had experienced the same thing many years before, except for one detail. I did not have the courage to wonder through space and had hung around close to my home! Every other detail was the same. I had not cared if someone put a bullet into me, and he said it did not matter to him if someone put a sword through him. The lack of fear, and being unaware of the passage of time and the great sense of peace we had experienced was all the same. Years later, I met Subud members who had had similar experiences, and there was one colleague at work who had a similar experience after a very serious motor vehicle accident. I talked about Subud with him and he is now a long-time member. Even his wife and some children were opened.
By 1968 there were at least eight unmarried men in our group in Colombo, and Rusli would remind us often that it was our duty to get married and raise a family. He would tell me, "You are riding a bicycle down hill now. When you marry it will be the real test." How true his words turned out to be in our lives later. I believe all of us had the same goal, to meet an angel who would be our true spiritual partner. Finally, I came down to earth and married a young woman who had joined Subud during Bapak's visit in 1967. It was like opening the flood gates - four of the men married within a short period of time, and this made Rusli very happy. Dr. CW was there for us always, until we were able to stand on our own feet.
In 1969 I traveled to Thailand on official business. Sideek had a friend from Sri Lanka who had been very close to him. He insisted that I meet him and talk to him about Subud. In due course I met Rusli's friend, who was now married to a woman from Thailand. I met Masorong twice, and at the second meeting when I met him at his home, I tried to talk about Subud and the latihan, I almost felt tongue tied! So I talked to him about Bapak, and told him that Bapak was a true Muslim, and had founded a spiritual organization called Subud. I also mentioned that Sideek and I were members of the Subud movement. I never explained about the Latihan. Three months later, to my surprise he joined Subud, and he became the strongman of Subud in Bangkok after the Vogels moved to Cilandak. Rusli's instincts had been right again. Masorong wrote to Sideek later and said "What I like about your friend is that he did not talk much.
By the seventies Sri Lanka was going through one of its worst periods in modern times. It was a challenge to make it to the World Congress in 1971, and each person who got there truly made it by the grace of Almighty God. Rusli too made it to the congress, and for the first time, he made contact with the international Subud community and made life-long friends with some of them.
In 1972, the political situation and frustration at work made me look for greener pastures. I applied for immigration to three countries in the same week, and a very unusual thing happened. the USA approved my application within five months, and Canada too said it would approve my application, however it would take over 10 months with the normal process. I was drawn to Canada, familiarity and the timing, as my wife was carrying our second child, and I felt it would be better to wait. I had a new dilemma - whether to choose the US or Canada? I went to Sideek and we tested. As a result the US became my home for the next 28 years. The evening before I left for the US, Sideek visited us at my family home. It was the custom of the country and of my family, that the eldest son should live with his parents and take care of them. I was the eldest son and my departure the next day was not an easy thing for my mother to handle. For my mother, America was in an another planet, far away. She said, "I will be gone when you return again." Rusli quietly tested and assured my mother that I would return home one day and live in Sri Lanka again. Little did he know that not only was I burning that bridge, but I was also willing to burn the boat when I reached America! Little did I know about the Will of Almighty God. When I eventually returned, both of my parents were not among the living.
Time passed by, we communicated by mail and life flowed easily for both of us. I visited my parents and family once a year when ever possible or every two years. I spent much time with Rusli on such visits. We also met at the Toronto and Sydney world Congresses. I did not make it to the World Congress in the UK as I could not take the time off. Towards the end of the world congress I received a letter from Rusli about an experience his wife had had during the congress. On a latihan days, It was the custom for his wife to stay back in the hotel and pray. So when he went for latihan and returned and his wife told him about an experience she had, while she was in praying. She saw a verse from the Holy Koran on the wall like on a movie screen, it was Sura twenty-three. Later he mailed me a recording , with an English translation and sent it to me.
The same year, during the winter, I came to Sri Lanka to visit my dad for the last time. He was very feeble and bedridden after having had a stroke. I spent a lot of time with Rusli this time as I had come alone.
During the visit Rusli shared with me an extraordinary experience, that had special significance for him. For a long time he used to ask other Subud members, "Bapak, being a good Muslim, why does he not do the Hadj?" For most of us this was not a serious issue, but it did bother Rusli. On his return from the world congress in the UK he visited Mecca with his wife to do the Hadj. As you are probably aware, the men and women are housed separately. One day when Rusli was relaxing in front of his tent, seated on a chair, suddenly a huge image of Bapak appeared before him and he saw four people in a row walking out of Bapak's stomach area. The stream of people continued to go around and around Bapak as if they were doing the Hadj! While he was seeing all of this, his wife came running to him, saying, "I saw Bapak." He in turn replied, saying, "I am still watching him on the big screen!" I asked Rusli how large Bapak was, and he said, "About two storeys tall." I also asked Rusli this curious question, "What direction did these people rotate?" And his reply was, "Just like the Hadj, counter-clockwise." (One of the strange observations Rusli and I made was that most Subud men during latihan would always move counter-clockwise.) Al Hadj Mohammed Rusli Sideek was truly a blessed man for he received the answer to his burning question during his first Hadj, directly from the source.
Time rolled along. In the early eighties Rusli faced a real tragedy and was put to the test. His brother's son was killed by insurgents. He was shot in the bookshop he owned right in front of his young daughter. I know it weighted heavily on Rusli as he talked very little about it. Strangely I went through the most difficult time of my life at this time period. It shook the very foundation of my life and put everything to test. The only person with whom I could share all this was Rusli. Only Rusli knew what I was going through at this time. The colored water he dispensed kept me going during these difficult times.
In the early nineties Rusli went through a time of spiritual crisis that had many people wondering about Subud. His son Malik asked me one day, "Will my father be well again?" Being aware that this was a spiritual crisis, I assured him that his father would be well soon. Rusli went through some intense purification and pulled through, however he remembered very little of that time period. It was as if his memory had gone blank.
In the mid-nineties Rusli had a stroke and was confined to bed, as one side of his body was paralyzed. One day while he was still in the hospital, his son was visiting him. He had told his son that he would like to do the latihan, so his son closed the doors of the bedroom and went into latihan. After about five minutes Sideek found himself rising and following the Muslim worship in his latihan. A short while later the house doctor walked into the room unannounced, and Rusli stopped the latihan and collapsed onto the bed. No amount of explanations would satisfy the good doctor! Not long after, Rusli was taken home, though he was still confined to bed. Some of the helpers would visit him now for a special latihan. One day Rusli had this tremendous urge to do latihan at the Subud house, so he asked his son to take him there. With the help of other family members he was carried into the car and taken to the Subud House. Here he was carried and taken to the office room downstairs, were he sat on a chair while some of the helpers did latihan with him. That day Barney arrived late for latihan, and seeing some of the men doing latihan downstairs, joined them. (The rest of the men did latihan upstairs.) Barney often sings in his latihan. that day Rusli said he sang a very melodic song in his latihan, "The moment Barney started singing, I felt the latihan so strong and I was moved to stand up and do the complete Muslim worship." The moment Barney stopped singing he collapsed into the chair. This experience must have touched Rusli deeply as I received a letter in California which was not very legible, written at a 45 degree angle. It was the first effort he had made to write after his illness, and I could see that he had made a mighty effort. Next time I visited Sri Lanka and he verbalized the experience. Mercifully he was now able to walk around with the help of a crutch.
In 1996 Rusli was aware that time was running out. That year 1996, the last time I met him. His lungs were getting weak and any physical exertion was now a real effort. A few weeks before the World Congress in Spokane, I was visiting Sri Lanka and was leaving for California late that night. I stopped by to say goodbye to Rusli that morning. We did a latihan and chatted for a couple of hours, and he related this extraordinary experience. One day, about nine months earlier, he had been very ill, having difficulty breathing. His wife had rushed him to the hospital, and while in Intensive Care his heart had stopped. they had put him on a heart-lung machine and were waiting for his son to arrive. In the meantime Rusli found himself outside of his body, like an observer and quite free to move about. He was aware that this might be the end and had a wish to see Sri Lanka for the last time. He said that right away he found himself just floating around just meandering all over the country, as if he was traveling by helicopter. He had a wish to see the war zone in the north, and he found himself there, and as he got closer and closer he could hear the guns going off. As he got even closer he felt a bullet go through his neck. That very moment he found himself back in the hospital, with his heart beating normally.
He was given an extra lease of life by Almighty God for whatever reason. He was fully aware of it, and that day he shared this with me, adding, "We have been so fortunate to receive the latihan and to have met Bapak. Now I do not have any fear to leave this world." He said, "Every breath I take, I feel as if it is permitted by Almighty God." His surrender was almost complete. We chatted more, and he recalled many things we had shared together. It was time to leave, and we wished each other goodbye. I promised to write to him about the congress. I opened the gate and turned around to wave goodbye again. Rusli and his wife were standing near the door fifteen feet away. Rusli, with all the energy he could muster, said very clearly, "Robert, I will see you on the other side." Of course he was joking, I took several steps and it dawned on me, he was not joking. All kinds of emotions ran through me. the urge to return was predominant, I surrendered everything. It was better this way, we had shared so much, even very intimate things. Why spoil it? I stopped a three-wheel taxi (tuk-tuk) and headed to the main bus stand. I tried to stay close to the latihan. When I got off the taxi the driver refused to take the fare. Saying its alright ! Something that has never happened before, perhaps my state must have touched him, quite amazing.
As I crossed the Pacific on my way to California, I recalled everything that I have written here. About seven days into the world congress in Spokane, I wrote a letter to Rusli about the happenings of the congress. He never read it, the next day we received a phone call informing us that Rusli had passed away. A few weeks later I returned to Sri Lanka to conclude the purchase of the land where we now live in Kandy. the very day I arrived, I turned up at Sideek's home. As the door opened, I saw Mrs. Sideek still in mourning attire. I knew I had blundered. It was an unforgivable mistake, made from my anxiety. A Muslim widow does not see any men outside her family during the mourning period. I was about to leave, saying I would return later, when she waved me in, saying, "It's all right, you were more of a brother to him than his own brother." I offered my condolence and we talked for a while, and she gave me some things that Rusli had left for me. She playfully reminded me that Rusli had bid goodbye to me and had forgotten to say goodbye to her. Yes, it was the simple truth, through the latihan we had experienced something very special that is beyond friendship, beyond normal understanding, a glimpse of the true brotherhood of man. Having known Rusli for nearly forty years, I feel a deep sense of gratitude to Almighty God that He had made it possible for our paths to cross. the most remarkable things I recall is that in all those years of association, we never had a moment where we felt hurt or angry because of the other's actions. There were many times I would have stepped on his toes, and many were the times it happened the other way. Yet we were able to forgive each other knowing that we would never intentionally hurt each other. Even when we disagreed on some issue the good feelings remained. This I have never been able to experience with any other Subud person with whom I have closely associated.
